I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
