I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
