She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
