I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
