Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
