I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just had sex bonerless
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize