My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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