Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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