he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
