at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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