just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
