it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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