I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
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My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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