While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
