you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
