if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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