I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
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He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
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apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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