you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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