Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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