omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Green mimosas i think yes
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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