hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
