Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
