Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
