im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
