I want to make a zoo with you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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