i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
FUCK WHALES
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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