Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My life is pants optional.
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