sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm just crazy horny about you
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
