I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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