Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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