im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
