I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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