final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
