I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
