She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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