It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
