Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
