I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
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Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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