He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
