Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
