mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
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I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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