I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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