she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
