yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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