I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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