Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
