I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You made out with two different species that night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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