what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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