Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
