Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
