why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
