Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
