connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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