I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
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I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
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You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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