my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
