Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
