no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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